FFVIII! The Musical
by Sarah the Boring
Summary: Goofy parody-songfics on Squall & Co.


"FFVIII! The Musical"  
a collection of parody songfics  
by [Sarah the Boring][1]  


Final Fantasy, names, characters, et cetera copyright Square Soft, Inc. Songs copyright their original authors. Parodies property of the author.

  


Contents:  
1. Time Compression  
2. Instructor Trepe  
3. Fall Asleep and Dream You're Me  
4. (We All Look Like) Freshmen  
5. Selphie  
6. My Rinoa

More songs will probably follow, so keep an eye out for updates. :)

SPOILER WARNING, beep beep beep... SPOILER WARNING...

  


* * *

  


**1. "Time Compression" ("Time Warp", from _Rocky Horror Picture Show_)**

Squall:  
We were fighting  
That chick Adel  
Then she  
Took control  
She mutated

Rinoa:  
Into Ultimecia

Squall:  
Now they're  
On a roll

She began the  
Time compression  
Mixing  
Lives in a whirl  
Now we're endlessly falling  
And the party is calling:

All:  
It's Time Compression again!  
It's Time Compression again!

Dr. Odine:  
Vell, ze past becomes now

All:  
And the future is pa-a-ast

Dr. Odine:  
It's ze sorceress trick

All:  
And it's gotten old fa-ast!  
Because it's way too confusing  
The way it plays with your brai-yai-yain!  
It's Time Compression again!  
It's Time Compression again!

Rinoa:  
They all blamed me  
'Cause Ulty became me  
It's not the same, see  
I'm not the one  
I spent half the time sleeping  
And the other half weeping  
With compression,  
It's all done

Squall:  
Now, you may be a whiner

Rinoa:  
And your dad may be finer

Squall:  
But together, we'll dominate the game

Rinoa:  
Because I taught you dancing

Squall:  
And you learned necromanciiiiing...

All:  
It's Time Compression again!  
It's Time Compression again!

Selphie:  
Well I was running down the hall  
Trying to find my class  
I ran into this guy  
With the cutest ass!  
He knocked me over, but it wasn't bad  
He had a cool gunblade and an awesome dad!  
I tagged along and we had a blast  
But that's all future--or is it past?

All:  
It's Time Compression again!  
It's Time Compression again!

Dr. Odine:  
Vell, ze past becomes now

All:  
And the future is pa-a-ast

Dr. Odine:  
It's ze sorceress trick

All:  
And it's gotten old fa-ast!  
Because it's way too confusing  
The way it plays with your brai-yai-yain!  
It's Time Compression again!  
It's Time Compression again!

  
  


**2. "Instructor Trepe" ("Mrs. Robinson", Simon & Garfunkel)**

(The Trepies' Song)

And here's to you, fair Instructor Trepe  
Why you end up single, we don't know  
Whoa whoa whoa  
Our favorite SeeD, dear Instructor Trepe  
The Trepies gather, more and more each day  
Hey hey hey  
Hey hey hey

We wish we knew just what it was that makes our Quistis cool  
We wish we knew to try it out ourselves  
With her brains and attitude, enforcing all the rules  
And let's not forget her taste in weaponry

And here's to you, fair Instructor Trepe  
Why you end up single, we don't know  
Whoa whoa whoa  
Our favorite SeeD, dear Instructor Trepe  
The Trepies gather, more and more each day  
Hey hey hey  
Hey hey hey

Visiting the infirmary to pick up no-good Squall  
We know you can get better boyfriends...  
Between the fan club and the eligible SeeDs  
Tripping over themselves just to get to you

Good luck to you, our Instructor Trepe  
Why you end up single, we don't know  
Whoa whoa whoa  
Our favorite SeeD, dear Instructor Trepe  
The Trepies gather, more and more each day  
Hey hey hey  
Hey hey hey

Going on adventures, it's a life we'd like to know  
Instead of being stuck back here in school  
Exploring continents and Triple Triad rules  
All of us still dream we'll go with you

And when you're gone, leaving us behind  
The Trepies hang around and wonder why  
My my my  
He'd best beware, Mr. Leonhart  
If Quistis isn't safe, neither is he  
Hee hee hee  
Hee hee hee

  
  


**3. "Fall Asleep and Dream You're Me" ("Dream a Little Dream of Me", the Mamas and the Papas)**

(Laguna's Song)

You're comfy with your angst thing  
Unsuspecting of your old psychic sibling  
Someday you'll get a shock, just you see  
Fall asleep and dream you're me

Jump into my lost romance  
Yeah, watch me fail as I bungle my chance  
But if I'd won, then you wouldn't be  
Fall asleep and dream you're me

You tease me, and say I'm a moron  
You try to resist  
My faeries, while you and yours snore on  
Remember this:

It's all this stuff that made you  
My doofusness and all my mistakes too  
So, take the chance and learn this from me  
Fall asleep and dream you're me

You watch as your dad finally gets some  
An Oedipal thing  
You mocked from the future at random  
Now hear me si-ing:

Admit it, I just helped you  
Your psyche and the Lunatic P. too  
So, stop your whining, and thankfully  
Fall asleep and dream you're me

  
  


**4. "(We All Look Like) Freshmen" ("The Freshmen", Verve Pipe)**

(This song has _already_ ticked off some beta-readers. If you're not secure in your FF8 fandom and/or can't take criticism, it might be wise to pass this one up. ^_^; Thanks.)

Our leader's sunk in his endless angst  
And his girlfriend owes it to him that she's still alive  
Now we're banded together and we're saving the world  
Despite the simple fact that we can barely drive, now

Suspension of your disbelief  
A demographic nightmare  
Adventures of the adolescent  
But then, most players don't care

In our stilted game  
It's our only subtext  
That maturity's for nerds  
And to speak in single words In reality  
We'd be on WB  
Never age, till the end  
We all look like freshmen

They make Quistis the Mrs. Robinson at eighteen  
Laguna's called "the old guy" when he's 29  
And now some critics are saying, all this kid stuff's a bore  
Forget the drama queens and all their neverending whine, they say

Suspension of your disbelief  
A demographic nightmare  
Adventures of the adolescent  
But then, most players don't care

In our stilted game  
It's our only subtext  
That maturity's for nerds  
And to speak in single words  
In reality  
We'd be on WB  
Never age, till the end  
We all look like freshmen

Hey yeah...

Although you may think that we're all wunderkind  
It only gets worse from here in the ninth game  
'Cause they've abandoned all hope of a story that holds  
And pinned all their hopes on the twelve-year-old market, hey

Suspension of your disbelief  
A demographic nightmare  
Adventures of the preteen  
But the players just don't care

In our stilted game  
It's our only subtext  
That maturity's for nerds  
And to speak in single words  
In reality  
We'd be on WB  
Never age, till the end  
We all look like freshmen

In our stilted game  
It's our only subtext  
That maturity's for nerds  
And to speak in single words  
In reality  
We'd be on WB  
Never age, till the end  
We all look like freshmen

We all look like freshmen  
Your heroes all are freshmen...

  
  


**5. "Selphie" ("Seether", Veruca Salt)**

Selphie is perky all the time  
Selphie is chirpy in every line  
She has a very active bloodlust  
She has the shortest skirt  
She's usually first to hit the dirt, yeah

Can't stand that Selphie  
Can't stand that Selphie  
Can't stand that Selphie  
It's not healthy but  
I keep her for The End

Selphie is making fanboys cry  
Selphie is hooked on yellow dye  
She has Galbadia's favorite playboy  
She has unlikely hair  
She's in the game for her underwear, yeah

Can't stand that Selphie (Selphieeee...)  
Can't stand that Selphie (Selphieeee...)  
Can't stand that Selphie...  
It's not healthy but  
I keep her for The End

Watch this twerp  
Bouncing along  
Hear her chirp  
With her ditzy train song  
Now she may know how to play guitar  
But she has bats in her belfry  
In the fight she's useless, and by far  
She's the new Cait Sith, it's  
Selphie!

Can't stand that Selphie (Selphieeee...)  
Can't stand that Selphie (Selphieeee...)  
Can't stand that Selphie...  
It's not healthy but  
I keep her for The End

Can't stand that Selphie (Selphieeee...)  
Can't stand that Selphie (Selphieeee...)  
Can't stand that Selphie...  
It's not healthy but  
I keep her for The End  
Yeah.

  
  


**6. "My Rinoa" ("My Sharona", the Knack)**

Ooh remember at the dance, at the dance  
When you told me that I was fiiine, Rinoa  
Ooh I thought I had a chance, I had a chance  
When you pretended that you were miiine, Rinoa

Now you won't give up, always there  
Always on my tail  
Always needin' help  
As we're hot on the sorceress' trail  
My, my, my-yi-yi, whoo!

M-m-m-my Rinoa

Jumped in with your rebel friends  
And killer dog  
Had us try to hijack a train, Rinoa  
And although I love ya hon, I love ya hon  
Entering all those codes was a pain, Rinoa

Now you won't give up, always there  
Always on my tail  
Always needin' help  
As we're hot on the sorceress' trail  
My, my, my-yi-yi, whoo!

M-m-m-my Rinoa  
M-m-m-my Rinoa, yeah!

(solo)

And when Ulty did her thing, she did her thing  
Got her ugly claws in your miiiind, Rinoa  
Yeah, you know you'd count on me, you'd count on me  
'Cause even when it's evil, love's bliiind, Rinoa

Now you won't give up, always there  
Always on my tail  
Always needin' help  
As we're hot on the sorceress' trail  
My, my, my-yi-yi, whoo!  
M-m-m-m-m-m-my, my, my-yi-yi, whoo!

M-m-m-my Rinoa  
M-m-m-my Rinoa  
M-m-m-my Rinoa  
M-m-m-my Rinoa

(big guitar solo)

Oooooooooooohwhoooooa, my Rinoa!  
Oooooooooooohwhoooooa, my Rinoa!  
Oooooooooooohwhoooooa, my Rinoa!

  
  


* * *

  


Notes:

"FF8 The Musical" is actually a spinoff of a spinoff, being inspired as it was by "FF7 The Musical", inspired in turn by "The MSTing of FFVII". Ideas for this one came more slowly, but some of them are worth reading. ;)

1. "Time Compression" Somewhat problematic, at first. The song was an obvious choice, though, between the "time warp" chorus, the deadpan, Squallike first verse, and the chirpy, Selphielike last verse. It would probably work a lot better as a visual joke, but I don't exactly have that kind of talent. For some reason, I like Selphie's part best out of this song--I guess Selphie just works well in parodies? ;)

2. "Instructor Trepe" This one was actually a bit frustrating, because most of the song doesn't rhyme. The original doesn't rhyme either, but it still makes the parody look a bit shoddy. :/ At any rate, I knew I had to do a Quistis song of some type; the inspiration to use this song came from the "Dream A Little Dream" song, already written at that point, and from hearing "Mrs. Robinson" on the bus one day--the phrase "And here's to you, dear Instructor Trepe" clicked into my head, and the rest followed from that.

3. "Fall Asleep and Dream You're Me" Like the "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" parody in the FF7 batch, I put this one in _knowing_ that nobody's gonna know the original. But, also like "Maxwell's", the conversion was just too easy. This one screams for an audio version, because half of the fun is the swoony, torch-song sound, but it turned out kind of cute as it is.

4. "(We All Look Like) Freshmen" All right, so it's a bit mean... In my original notes of what to skewer, one of the first ideas was that all the principals in FF8 look like refugees from a teen drama, á la "Party of Five" or "Dawson's Creek". Stumbling across "The Freshmen" (a very serious song, actually), I'd found a match of subject to song. And that, as they say, was that.

5. "Selphie" First off, I don't hate Selphie--I just know that there is strong anti-Selphie sentiment out there, and this song reflects it. It was incredibly quick to write; I think I had this whole thing dreamed up, written, checked, and posted on a message board within 2 hours. The hardest part was thinking of rhymes for "Selphie" (the song's structure has the first two lines of each verse internally rhyming, "_Seether_ is _neither_ big nor small...") but I abandoned that eventually and just rhymed the ends of the lines. The other weird thing about this song is that the bridge sounds better if "Cait Sith" is pronounced the original way, as "Cat-Shee". Anyhow, so far this is my favorite of the FF8 songs. The song's sound fits Selphie well, and I think her colorful character simply makes for good comedy. ;)

6. "My Rinoa" I couldn't _not_ do this song. The name just fit too well. This wasn't my favorite one of these, but it tends to be everyone else's favorite, so it went last. :) It was from this song that I realized that the FF8 songs, with the exception of "Freshmen", are mild compared to the FF7 songs; I suspect it's because I like FF7 better and feel more comfortable in mocking it. When I mock a game I don't like all that much, it just sounds evil. At any rate, this song turned out a bit repetitive yet fun (like the original, actually).

Thanks for reading, everybody!

  


   [1]: mailto:sarahtheboring@aol.com



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